QUIZ: Are you my ex-boyfriend?

1. Are you housetrained?
(a) Yes (b) No

2. Do complete strangers ask to touch you even when you are not wearing suede pants?
(a) Yes (b) No

3.Are you a non-Scandinavian man who wears clogs?
(a) Yes (b) No

4.Were you once a competitive speed walker?
(a) Yes (b) No

5.When, in a restaurant, you leaned across the table , took my hands, looked into my eyes and said, “I have just three words to say to you” did you then say, “Bacon, Lettuce and Tomato”?
(a) Yes (b) No

6.Did you insist, even though it was completely untrue, that I kissed that guy Andy Dunlop, whose last name I don’t even remember anymore, and never kissed, except maybe once?
(a) Yes (b) No

7. Did you throw all my clothes out the window and tell me to leave, and then when I started to leave did you run out and gather all my clothes off the sidewalk and barricade the door so I couldn’t leave?
(a) Yes (b) No

8. Did you date Monica Lewinsky?
(a) Yes (b) No

9. Did you once appear in a Calvin Klein underwear ad?
(a) Yes (b) No

10. Are you really good-looking, but not very bright?
(a) Yes (b) No

11. Did you call me incessantly after I broke up with you, until I had to turn off my phone, then rang my doorbell incessantly until I disconnected it, and then waited outside my apartment at 8 AM every morning for a week when you knew I had to leave to work, and followed me to the A train even though I didn't look at you or say a word to you, did you follow me into my office building, and leave me only after I got into the elevator?
(a) Don't run for public office, hotshot. I have all your letters.

12. Did I break up with you in four, possibly five European cities during a two week trip?
(a) Yes (b) No

13. Do you still owe me $200?
(a) Yes (b) No

14. Were you more in love with me than I was in love with you?
(a) Yes (b) Yes

15. Was I more in love with you than you were in love with me?
(a) Maybe

Are you gay?
(a) Yes (b) No

The more (a)s you have, the likelier it is you are my ex-boyfriend. Congratulations! Actually, this quiz started out as “Are you my dog?” but I switched it around after the first two questions to make it more interesting.